Category: observations/thoughts (Page 11 of 14)

Saturday Things

I got my first dose of the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine today. So far: soreness in arm, moderately bad headache, and fatigue. Otherwise, feeling okay.

My current project is a short story called, tentatively, “Things.” (Yes, I know. The title is completely un-evocative. It basically means nothing. However, there is a story-related reason why it’s called “Things,” but I realize that as titles go, it doesn’t grab anyone’s attention. So it’s a working title that will probably change once I’m done.)

I wanted to read a few hard-boiled short stories and watch a couple of films noir to get in the mood, but honestly, it’s been hard to find the time for any of that. I can watch certain old movies when my kids are around — musicals are usually safe, as are silent and screwball comedies — but film noir is one of those genres that is not appropriate for the under-six set.

Anyway, I watched so many films noir in my twenties and early thirties that I could recite many of them line-by-line, so it’s not like I don’t know the style and mood of these kinds of stories. But just for fun, I wanted to dive back in and reacquaint myself with these old friends. Maybe there’s still time. . . I’m only half-way finished with the story.  “Things” is one of those stories where I pretty much know the ending already, but I’m not sure yet how I’m going to get there or what it’s going to look like when I do. It’s a bit like knowing there’s going to be a car wreck, but not knowing how the bodies are going to end up. (Sorry, that was a morbid analogy!)

Today was also a great day because I made it through a week of using my new “habit schedule,” and so far, it’s been successful. Each day this week I’ve managed to carve out time to pray in the morning and before bed, read something spiritual (current books are the Pope’s new one and The Imitation of Christ), write in my writer’s notebook, read a book at lunchtime, enter grades/provide feedback to students, work on freelance editing stuff, exercise, stretch, and write something creative (either fiction or this blog). My not-every-day-but-a-few-times-a-week habits — doing some light cleaning, paying bills, and filing papers — were also a success.

I will say the methods outlined in James Clear’s Atomic Habits have been very helpful in this regard, particularly his advice to “make it easy” and “make it satisfying.” I use a habit tracker app on my phone (that’s the “make it satisfying” part), and I’ve rearranged a few things to make the habits easier.

For instance, before I go to bed at night, I make sure my writer’s notebook is sitting on the dining room table so that in the morning it’s ready for me to write in as I eat my breakfast. Another example of making it “easy” is that I put Swiffer dusters in various rooms around the house so I can just pick one up and start dusting if I have a spare moment. And finally, I set a daily alarm on my phone to ring when it’s time to enter grades and do freelance work. I’ve also tried to “habit stack,” where I tie a new habit to an existing one (like the habit of writing in my notebook while I’m eating my breakfast, or reading a book while I eat my lunch).

The one habit I might need to modify is the exercise one, because I used to exercise before I took my shower, but that made mornings too hectic, so I switched exercise to the afternoon, when I get home from work. However, that get-home-from-work time is quite busy too — the kids are excited to see me, I’ve got to change out of my work clothes and clean my lunch containers, start to prepare dinner, etc. — so my exercise time has been shorter than usual everyday this week (I’ve been breaking the “make it easy” rule). Maybe I need to move the exercise back to the morning and do it before my shower. . . (I hesitate to do this, though, because that means getting up earlier, and I’m already struggling to get up at 7:00 a.m.; 6:45 a.m. might be a bridge too far.)

Despite these few hiccups, I’m utterly pleased with how much I was able to get done this week, and with how much less stress I’ve had. I’m not particularly strict about my habit schedule as far as doing things at a very specific time, but I’ve found that having an outline for the day has given my life a pleasant rhythm. I know that I want to accomplish these various “little things,” and by doing them each day in small chunks, and at generally the same time each day, I’ve been able to accomplish quite a bit, even in just a week’s time.

Symbols for Me

Last week, a student did a presentation about symbolism, and she had a couple of activities for the class to help them practice using symbols in their writing. One of her exercises was to think of a symbol (or symbols) that represented who we are. I tried my hand at it, since I like to write alongside my students, and started coming up with symbols for myself.

One was a 1970s Ballantine Adult Fantasy paperback with a wild, psychedelic cover.

Even though I was born in the 1980s, I’ve always been a bit of a throwback. I love old black and white movies, swing jazz, Beat writers, 60s psychedelic rock, and old-school fantasy. I don’t try to be strange or outlandish, but sometimes I can’t help it. I’m a weird person. And I often find myself outside the mainstream. I think the Ballantine Adult Fantasy series fits all of these qualities: old and dog-eared but still kinda interesting, weird and psychedelic, and outside the mainstream.

The other symbol I came up with was a wooden sword from the Renaissance Festival.

This one symbolizes me because it’s essentially a toy sword, but way cooler than something you’d find in a Toys ‘R Us, and I’m not the kind of person who wants to wield an actual weapon or be a real knight, but I like to pretend, I like to play, I like to imagine. The wooden sword is a tool for the imagination.

And because the Renaissance Festival only happens once a year (and I didn’t always get a chance to go when I was a kid), the wooden sword holds a special kind of allure: rare and precious, something long sought-for but rarely achieved.

Just to be clear: I’m not saying that I’m “rare and precious” or “something long sought-for but rarely achieved.” Instead, I mean that my desire to get one of these swords symbolizes so much of my life: wanting things that are hard to find, desiring something that seems just out of reach. The Renaissance Festival sword is every longing of my heart, every wish I wished as a kid.

My last symbol symbol for myself is this:

A cup of black coffee.

Why? I’m bitter and make people jittery.

Another Lost Weekend

Once again I’ve failed to use my Saturday wisely. Many worthy and important things could have gotten done; instead, it was T.V. time. An episode of Jim Henson’s Storyteller Greek Myths (much more tragic and somber than its fairy tale counterpart); an episode of The Crown (which led me down the rabbit hole of Googling all the stuff from the episode to see if it was real; sadly, some of it was); and then Ken Burns’s Jazz ended up being on PBS when I turned off Netflix, and I watched that for half an hour.

Yikes.

I am so bad at getting my work done when I have *actual time to do it.*

Instead, I waste such time, and when the eleventh hour arises, I scramble like mad to do all the work I’ve been putting off for too long. It’s bonkers and unhealthy, and I wish I was better at being disciplined.

Having just read James Clear’s Atomic Habits recently, you’d think I’d know how to develop small habits that will make my life run more smoothly. Alas, I feel like most of my days are filled with too much to do and not enough time to do it, and then when a weekend like today rolls around, I’m so burned out that all I want to do is veg.

I wish I knew how to make my normal weekdays not so stuffed with things to do. I’m sure this is a common feeling for many people. The question I have is why are we all so busy all the time? Is it modern life that’s made things busy? Is it our jobs? I don’t work a high-powered corporate job or anything; I’m a high school English teacher. Is it having to work and raise children that makes things so busy? I know others who work and have kids and they don’t *seem* particularly stressed or overburdened (maybe they just hide it really well…). Or at the very least, I don’t see any of them turning a perfectly good Saturday into a wasted “lost weekend” of vegging and avoiding work.

Why do I do this to myself? What kind of small “atomic” habits can I develop to avoid this cycle of over-work/giving-in-to-acedia? I think it’s interesting that I’m self-diagnosing my problem as acedia, because that implies this is a spiritual malady and not necessarily something I can “life hack” away. With all things spiritual, prayer is often the first priority, so maybe my problem is lack of prayer. Maybe I need to work on my habits of prayer and see what else will fall into place after that. Small habits of prayer might lead to more small habits elsewhere.

Maybe next Saturday can be a little less lost.

Avoid Cliche

Today in class the students learned about cliche: what makes something cliche and how to avoid using cliche in one’s writing. The activity we did to practice avoiding cliche involved looking at a photo of a starry night sky and writing descriptions that avoided the obvious cliched descriptions like, “The stars shone like diamonds.”

(This lesson and activity, by the way, was taught by one of my students. They’ve all been taking turns teaching the class about literary/rhetorical terms and facilitating writing activities to reinforce the lessons.)

Since I try to write alongside my students, I too participated in the activity. My attempt was as follows: “The stars were flecks of milk painted on the faded gray of an old barn.”

I’m not sure I like this description, but it does make me laugh to think of the stars as flecks of milk. It’s definitely a weird way of describing something we typically think of as beautiful.

Anyway, I avoided using a cliche.

Wide-Open Saturday

Today was one of those days where I had lots of plans — lots of stuff was gonna get done — and instead, I did practically nothing. I went to the grocery store; that was my big accomplishment. Also, I made some homemade hummus. Otherwise, all the essays I was going to critique, all the fiction I was going to write, all the editing work I was going to do: Nada.

I did manage to read a bit. I wrote in my notebook. But these little things — the reading, the notebooking, the hummus-making, the grocery shopping — they don’t add up to much. I know they’re good things to do, I’m glad I was able to do them, but they feel small. And today was my wide-open Saturday! The day my kids spend with Grandma and Grandpa. It was *the* time to Get Things Done. Instead, I did little things. Good things, important things, but little things. The “big things” — the projects, the assignments, the teaching and freelancing work — none of them fit into the day. Instead, I wrote a few pages in my notebook, ate breakfast with my kids, read some of Pope Francis’s new book, watched TV with my husband, made hummus, went shopping, went to mass, came home and ate dinner. A good day, and yet… and yet…

I don’t know. Maybe it was a good day, full stop. No regrets for the big things I didn’t get done. Maybe the expectation that I should use my “wide-open Saturday” to do “important” work is a misguided expectation. Is it really wrong to spend my free time with my husband, or make some homemade food to feed my family, or go shopping for groceries, or go to mass and worship God (the most important thing I’ll do all  week), or read a book, or just relax? The projects and assignments are still looming, and I’ll have to do them eventually, but for this one day, this one Saturday, the little things were worth it.

Black Dog

One of my students mentioned Led Zeppelin the other day, and man, what a great band. I have loved Led Zeppelin for decades but haven’t listened to them much lately. No particular reason why, just listening to other stuff. But when my American Lit class brought them up this week, I was all about going on a Zeppelin binge.

So. Many. Great. Songs.

Seriously, I can’t think of any Zeppelin songs that are actively bad. Or even mediocre. All their songs rock. All have something interesting going on. All are eminently listenable. “Kashmir.” “Going to California.” “That’s the Way.” “Tangerine.” “Black Dog.”

I once tried out for my high school talent show by singing “Black Dog” with a band of guys who were total stoners and awesome dudes. Very talented. My singing, alas, was not so much, and we didn’t get in. But I still had a heckuva good time jamming to that song.

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