Category: observations/thoughts (Page 1 of 13)

I Like Essays!

“Listen, we all hate reading essays. Nobody likes reading essays. Nobody likes writing essays either.”

This was spoken by an English teacher at a conference I attended earlier this week.

I knew what he meant. I think we all knew what he meant. I’m not trying to be obtuse by ignoring the context of his statement. But when he expressed his aversion to both reading and writing essays, I couldn’t help but shake my head.

Yes, I know he was talking about student essays (as far as the reading part goes), and he was primarily talking about the literary analysis-type essay. And I know that as far as the writing of essays comment, he was also talking about the essays he probably wrote in school, i.e.: the literary analysis-type essays.

Again, I’m not trying to be obtuse.

But behind the context, I think this teacher was expressing something all-too-common in our world, so utterly shaped by formal education as it is, and that is the idea that essays — both as a genre of writing and a genre of reading — are boring.

And yet, I read essays nearly every day — not student essays — and I read them for fun, of my own volition. And also, if that weren’t enough, I also write essays many times a week. I may call them “blog posts” or whatever, but they are nevertheless essays. They are non-fiction works of prose exploring an idea or topic. This, right here, that you are reading, is an essay!

Teachers and schools are the main culprits in this slandering of the essay. We’ve set up school and the way we teach writing to utterly suck all joy out of writing essays. And we hardly ever give students fun essays to READ (meaning essays with voice and opinion and about interesting topics), and even when we do occasionally give them such essays, we don’t encourage them to write something similar with just as much voice and opinion and interest. The best we do is give them the personal narrative essay assignment, but often enough, we don’t show them any personal narrative essays that are fun to read. If students are lucky, they’ll get to read some in an AP Lang class, but most students, unfortunately, do not take that class.

So they (and their teachers) are stuck with this notion that an essay must be this planned-out thing, with five paragraphs, intro/body/conclusion, all life and interest sucked out of it, and not worth anyone’s time.

I’m guilty of it too. Partly because the expectation from both parents and students is that “real” writing is learning how to write literary analysis; the only writing that matters is the kind of writing that college professors in the humanities will ask of students. But even college professors in the humanities don’t necessarily want these kinds of essays! But parents and students think they do.

And even more than that, the literary analysis essay can, in fact, be a wonderful thing to both write and read, once the writer lets go of this notion that it is a drudge, and the reader actually reads one worth reading.

Some of the most fun I’ve ever had in my reading experience has been reading essays by folks like Susan Sontag or Roger Ebert or Joan Didion or David Foster Wallace. Whip-smart people with idiosyncratic opinions who can write in inimitable voices: What’s not to like?

My students are always astounded when we read some crazy essay from the pages of The Best Non-Required Reading series, and I point out that, yes, that thing you just read is an ESSAY. That brilliant piece of writing about Tonya and Nancy is an ESSAY. Essays are fun to read. They can be incredibly fun to write if you push aside the notion that they are some sort of school exercise but are instead the way people communicate their ideas, knowledge, and opinions to others through writing.

Half the stuff we watch on Youtube are “essays.” People talking to the camera their thoughts and opinions about a topic. If you were to take the spoken words and put them on paper, you’d pretty much have an essay. And there is absolutely nothing about the essay as a form that says you have to be objective or remove all personal voice or treat it like a lab report. Some essays might need to be written like that, but surely not all. The essay is one of the most flexible and versatile of non-fiction genres there are. To reject the essay is to say, “I don’t like reading about other people’s ideas or opinions.” What kind of dull, incurious person would you be if you said that?

Anyway, I’m still annoyed with this idea that essays are “boring.” And if we all know the type of essays that get assigned in school are boring to write and read, then why on earth do we keep assigning them? Why do we keep approaching the art of essay writing as if it’s some bland, cookie-cutter thing?

I’m all for teaching students about how to support their claims with evidence. I’m all for teaching students how to connect their ideas through a line of reasoning. I’m all for teaching students how to write a thesis. But NONE of these things are boring unless the ideas in the essay are boring. So maybe we can also help students realize that they have the power to write about interesting things. We simply have to stop demanding dullness and give them the freedom to write what they want.

Yes, yes, we need that essay on The Great Gatsby because we’re reading Gatsby and how else can we ensure the students read Gatsby unless we make them write an essay about Gatsby?

Okay, fine. Write about Gatsby. I have no issue with an essay about Gatsby. But let the student choose the purpose of the essay. Let them choose the audience and which voice is appropriate for that audience. And then let them write based on those choices.

A persuasive essay to the English teachers of America to stop making kids read The Great Gatsby.

A personal narrative about how you used Sparknotes and other internet sources to skip reading the novel and still fooled your teacher, and how this kind of thing is fairly common (and I bet even your English teacher has done this before in her time as a student), and why reading Sparknotes can be a good thing, actually, because at least you have some cultural knowledge about Gatsby even if you didn’t read it.

A character analysis where you compare Nick Caraway to the month of December. Or Daisy Buchanan to Las Vegas.

A profile on a modern-day Tom Buchanan, some rich asshole who gets away with everything, and in the process of said profile, you indict the entire American obsession with billionaires and the destruction it has wrought.

I don’t know: there are lots of ways to write an essay about Gatsby that aren’t just “What does the green light symbolize?”

Or, you know, don’t write about Gatsby at all and let the students write about something else. If you’re worried that they need to prove their knowledge of Gatsby, give them a test. Don’t slander the essay in your attempts to assess their reading.

And before we even get to these kinds of literary essays, we should be letting students experience the fun of writing about things that interest them, things they have opinions about, so they can learn that essays are not boring. We should encourage them to write with more voice and personality first before we show them how to tweak that voice to fit the purpose and audience of something intended to be more “academic.” The academic essay is only one type. Let’s get them comfortable with the others first before we move into the headier and more challenging ones.

Let them love essays the same way they might love writing stories or poems. Then they might come to love the literary analysis too. Tell them they’re writing the script for a Youtube video analyzing some random Easter egg in their favorite TV series. After they do it, tell them they wrote an analytical essay. Or have them write an essay analyzing the lyrics of one of their favorite songs. Then tell them that’s the same thing others do when they write about books or poems. That this writing is what we call “literary analysis.” But give them choice. Let them write from their interests. Let them see that the “essay” does not have to follow some made-up “format,” and that it doesn’t have to “be” any certain length. Let both the students and their essays be free from all this useless baggage.

I only learned this when I started blogging. I had kind of learned it in my own AP Lang class as a student, and thankfully it stuck with me through college and adulthood, where I learned that I could write college essays about things that interested me and in my own style as long as I was aware of what my professors expected and didn’t veer too off-course.

But once I started my own blog and wrote about topics that interested me in whichever way I pleased, that’s when I really began to see that essay writing was so much more than academic writing. The lessons of my AP Lang class resurfaced and I saw that this was “real-world” writing. I could do this for an audience. I could do it for money. I could do it simply because I had things to say and the essay was my avenue for saying them. And people — people I had never met before in my life — would read them. For fun.

I like essays. I like to read them, and I like to write them. And I feel bad for anyone who hasn’t had such freewheeling pleasures.

Winter

I really like winter. I think this is one reason why my husband and I were made for each other. We have no desire to live in a warmer clime. We like the snow and cold. Maybe it’s a kind of weather Stockholm syndrome, maybe all these Michigan winters have brainwashed me, but I love them. Even the gray. Lots of people like winter in Minnesota or whatever, where it’s sunny even when it’s cold. But here in Michigan, we are cloudy and gray and cold for much of winter. And I love it.

Obviously, winter can also be horrible. When there’s ice, when I have to drive through a snowstorm, when we lose power and there’s an Arctic vortex or whatever happening. Winter is horrendous at those times. I’m sure for the people going through an ice and snowstorm right now, winter is the worst. And deadly.

I’m not immune to the fears of winter’s deadliness. I feel them. I know them, in fact.

But I also know that I don’t want to live in a warmer place. I tried Southern California in autumn. It was the pits. I couldn’t imagine never feeling the snow and cold, never tasting the air when its below zero, never catching a whiff of fireplace smoke drifting through the pale-pink evening on a short walk through the silent street.

And when the cold gets so bitter against my skin, I can feel the sting of it on my cheeks, and my nose is dripping like crazy, and the house is just ahead, and my lungs are stinging from breathing the brittle air; I catch the doorknob, push open the front door and step into the embrace of my home’s warmth: that’s when I love winter. I love it for the daunting coldness and the challenge of a long walk through the falling snow, but also for the way it lets me come home. A chance to sit beside the window and watch the light fade, drinking tea or cocoa, wrapped in a blanket, feeling my cold cheeks with the back of my hand. Feeling content.

That’s what I love.

Ten Years Zine

The way I got to this little project was via reading old newsletters from my inbox. I have a problem with not deleting emails, and also with not always reading things that I want to read. The never-ending stream of emails continues apace, and then the ones I want to read get lost in the cascade until eventually it’s been five years and I still have dozens upon dozens of unread newsletters that I really want to read.

So, the other day, I scrolled back half a decade and started catching up on old mail.

This one, from Austin Kleon, struck me as a fun challenge, so when I needed a break from grading papers, I decided to give it a go. I most definitely took more than 20 minutes to do it.

Turns out #1. I have a pretty terrible memory. I should have spent some time rereading old notebooks or at least looking at a calendar or something, because I really could not remember what happened circa 2015 or between 2018-2019. I remembered 2016 and 2017 only because I had my sons in those years.

And, of course, #2. The Year 2020.

I didn’t bother adding everything that happened that year. “COVID” and a few random words like, “Masks!” were enough to convey the memory. Because it’s all too much, and also too numb to be captured on a tiny zine page. Even now, five years later. It’s not that I particularly suffered all that much from the virus we know as “Covid-19,” (thank God, my family was lucky), but the world suffered, and since I live in the world, my world tilted as a result. I can’t even say exactly when it started tilting — maybe it was also in 2016 and 2017 and 2018 and 2019 — but 2020 was when it tipped over. I fell over and flipped back up again, somehow different. Honestly, world-views were shattered. They’re still shattering. I went full-Idler.

Anyway, after the rupture of Covid, it’s like the years couldn’t contain everything that happened to me. The zine pages weren’t enough; I couldn’t fit myself in. Ink everywhere, everything at random, new memories popping up just as I thought I’d finished with the pages. No births, but some deaths, and even the biggest one, I couldn’t fit, or didn’t want to fit — it was beyond the format — and trying to catalog the rush of change and then reversion and then change and then–

I didn’t realize my decade could be divided so neatly between “ordinary” — ho-hum, having babies and raising them and work and whatever, to the point where I couldn’t recall the distinct days — and “momentous” — the rush and rumble of a boulder rolling downhill, of huge changes, bad changes, good changes, trials and errors (so many errors), (so many trials), and now I’m back where I seemingly started from in 2015: in the thick of teaching, raising my children, trying to write and publish, and wondering if I’ll ever get the hang of any of it.

But I’m definitely different. That much is true.

Which is good. One should probably change after ten years.

Ten Titles, Ten Characters (from my notebook, January 2024)

I was flipping through my notebooks from 2024, mostly to see how many books I’d read in the past year (more than 40, by the way… so not bad, but now I’m thinking I want to set a challenge for myself to read over 60 this year), when I came across an entry from my January notebook that included two “Try Ten” lists.

One was ten titles, one was ten characters. Here are the lists:

Ten Titles

  1. Bicycle Repair
  2. Professor _________’s Guide to the Magically Perplexed
  3. Went Away Sailing
  4. Grandma’s Gnocchi
  5. I Saw Ursula Le Guin in a Dream
  6. Brennivin. Shot. Cold.
  7. Stolen Goods
  8. The Voice in the Heating Vent
  9. Abel Gave Me a Wool Coat
  10. Whenever You Think of Criticizing

Ten Characters

  1. An old cop who serves evictions now
  2. The ghost of a young woman’s dead twin
  3. A boy who is in love with his best friend
  4. A foreign cleaning lady
  5. A tree that can communicate with a human
  6. An old man who stole a fellow soldier’s ID back in Vietnam
  7. The driver of a bus that takes devils in and out of Hell
  8. A middle-aged woman who once got to spend her afternoons with a unicorn but hasn’t seen one in decades
  9. An oracle/fortune teller who has lost her power
  10. A man who must take care of his sick wife in quarantine (he hasn’t seen her in a week?)

I’ll admit, that last character entry doesn’t quite make sense to me looking back at it now. Has he not seen her in a week but now can see her and must take care of her? Or has he been taking care of her in quarantine but she left him and hasn’t been seen in a week?

I really don’t know.

The funny thing is that I used one of those titles and wrote a short story to go along with it. “I Saw Ursula Le Guin in a Dream.” It was a writing challenge I did with my Creative Writing students where we had to write a short story in one hour. I participated and used this title.

The story turned out all wrong. I tried writing an unreliable narrator and it was an utter failure. Just didn’t live up to the title at all. And I tried an ironic twisty ending that was pretty stupid, frankly.

But I still like the title. I’m tempted, even now, to use the title again and write a different story. And why not?

In fact, it might be kind of funny to write several short stories, all with the same title, all different, and then put them together into a collection.

Or maybe that would be utterly not funny but just kind of stupid. I have a difficult time distinguishing between the cool and the stupid until I’ve done the thing. Before I’ve done the thing, it seems pretty cool. After I’ve done the thing, it feels pretty stupid. I have two choices, then: either keep doing the cool-sounding thing, hoping one day it won’t turn out stupid, or stop doing any of the cool-sounding things. Which means I’ll have done nothing.

I think I know which choice to make.

Better to write a dozen (or more) stupid stories than to write none at all.

Anyway, some of these ideas and characters and titles don’t sound particularly interesting at the moment, but I often wonder if these little seeds and sparks of ideas might turn out to be pretty great once put into action. It’s the action that matters. The telling of the tale. Because otherwise they’re just a list of words. I could write a dozen stories called “I Saw Ursula Le Guin in a Dream” and they would all be different. Who can say, just from that title, what stories may come?

This is why the ideas really don’t matter all that much. I can come up with ten more ideas right now. So can any of us.

It’s the weaving of the story that matters. The particular sequence of the tale is what counts.

I do wonder, though, what would happen if I combined a title from one list with a character from the other. Might be a fun game. What kind of challenge could I make for myself in this new month of a new year. From two lists in January 2024 to ten stories in January 2025…

To do that, I’d have to get over my trepidation. My worry that I’m not up to the task of writing ten stories in one month. Can I do that? Can I get over that hump, that lack of confidence?

My husband said that the word he would use to describe my 2024 was “confidence,” but I just don’t see it. I feel the opposite, like my confidence is slowly draining away. But maybe he can see something I can’t.

I hesitate to even set a challenge like ten stories in one month because what if I can’t do it? What if it stresses me out? What if I simply don’t have the time, on top of all the other duties and goals I’ve already set?

Might be fun though… the old cop serving evictions, entitled “Went Away Sailing,” and the old cop has to serve someone who never seems to be home, who might have gotten on a sailboat and drifted away, and the cop tries to find them, to serve the papers, yes, but also, just to see what it would be like to sail away from everything…

The old fortune teller who has lost her gift… every time she tries to tell a fortune and see the future, she sees her grandmother, bent over the kitchen table, rolling out potatoes and flour to make the gnocchi dough… Maybe she has to talk to her grandmother, and maybe she can’t break through, she’s lost her gift, after all…

The foreign cleaning lady hears a voice in the heating vent…

The driver of the Hell-bus… “Abel Gave Me a Wool Coat…”

(I could go on, but I’ll stop for now. The question I always have as I make up these stories and possibilities, is will my story end up being worthwhile? Will it have any meaning? Any emotion? Will readers enjoy it, or am I simply playing a word-association game with myself?)

To write ten stories in four weeks means roughly two or three stories every week. That seems like a lot, especially as I try to get NCL finished. Maybe the challenge isn’t to do it just in January, but to do a story every week? Or try to write ten stories in the first quarter? Or… I don’t know. Something.

I feel a pull toward this challenge. It’s not a coincidence that I opened my January 2024 notebook to this page with these two lists. I should ride it out. See where it goes.

I always was dissatisfied with that first “Ursula Le Guin” story. Time to try again. And the new year is the perfect time.

“Myths and Symbols in Pagan Europe” by H.R. Ellis Davidson

When I was reading this book, I was on fire with drafting Norse City Limits. When I stopped reading it (due to other reading obligations), the writing dried up.

Coincidence?

Ideas don’t come from thin air. At least mine don’t. Mine come from what I see, what I read, what I listen to, what I notice. When I’m reading a book that’s bursting with ideas, suddenly I’m bursting with ideas. When my reading is directed toward something related to my work-in-progress, my work-in-progress gets a boost from that reading.

And when my reading or attention shift elsewhere?

The writing does too. It shifts into that other elsewhere or it withers a bit from lack of sustenance.

Donna Tartt’s process seems right to me: read something related to your work-in-progress at the end of the day.

Of course, the lesson here is to get back to my Myths and Symbols in Pagan Europe book.

The difficulty, is that I have a growing stack of books I need to read for my winter semester classes, and a book club book, and some library books that will soon be called back to the returns bin. Making time for my weird mythology book is hard to justify.

Still. I need to justify it. I need that sustenance. That juice.

Watching more film noir will get me that juice too. I can’t keep running off the fumes of what I remember from my twenties and early thirties when my art diet consisted of a steady stream of movie noir and hard-boiled fiction. I need to dive back in. Myths and symbols, alleyways and wise guys. More jazz. More Led Zeppelin. More Thor and Odin and trolls.

I started writing NCL because of my love for both Norse mythology and film noir. But that love needs nurturing.

My fantasy writing (maybe all my writing) really thrives from using symbols, thinking about symbols, reviving and trying to breathe life into old, familiar symbols. The Davidson book is full of these: blood, birds, wood, stone, feasts, water, wolves. The mystery surrounding our understanding of these early northern European pagan peoples is part of the fun, part of the allure. Using these half-guessed at rituals and rites, tales and traditions, as the material for my story is part of why I tell stories. I want to remix and re-imagine. I think most fantasy writers do. Whereas science fiction writers are farseeing into the future, we are farseeing into the past. And then we mix it together with whatever else is swimming in our imaginations. Fantasy is a synthesis. Neither old nor entirely new. A bridge between times (and worlds).

Goal Update: November 2024

It’s been five months since I posted my ridiculously long list of goals, and I figured it was time to do an update. Mostly for my own reflection. Maybe this is the teacher side of me, but reflecting on my work helps me see where to go next. It’s a taking-stock process. Let’s me know what steps to take next.

I set a huge number of goals in the hopes of “failing to success,” figuring that if I kept working at a bunch of different things, I’d make more progress than if I limited myself to only a few. Does this make any sense? Who knows, but it makes sense in my own head. I tend to do better and feel better when I have lots of creative projects going on that I can toggle between and work on bit by bit. Sometimes a particular thing takes over and I obsess over it, but other times I flit back and forth like a butterfly.

So, how is my flitting these days?

Hm.

That’s the short answer. Here is the longer answer:

Finish writing Norse City Limits (urban fantasy novel): I am not finished but this is the goal I’ve probably made the most progress on. As of right now, I’m roughly 40k into the story (maybe 45k… not sure because I handwrote a bunch of it and am now typing it up). I’m a bit stalled, however, so I’ve decided to go back to the last moment in the story when I was still really excited and start redrafting from there. That means that my most recent three chapters will be entirely new material as I scrap the old and start again. I’m not too upset by this because it means I’m getting excited about the story again and seeing where it heads next. I’m still hopeful I can finish this before 2024 kicks it.

Finish writing Ysbaddaden and the Game of Chess (second book in Merlin series): Haven’t done anything with this one yet. I’m focused on finishing NCL. I have a bad habit of losing steam in the middle of a novel and jumping to other things, and I don’t want that to happen with NCL, so I’m holding off on another big project until that one is finished. NCL is where my energy and imagination are at the moment too. Not that I won’t get to Ysbaddaden in 2024, but it’s probable that 2025 will be the year of Merlin’s Last Magic.

Finish a short story set in my sword and sorcery world: Not yet.

Finish a short story about a mother who learns a terrible secret about her son: Not yet.

Finish a short story set in my Children of Valesh universe: Not yet.

Publish my short story collection: Embarrassingly not yet. I have the cover art, I have the stories, I have them mostly copy edited, and now it’s just a matter of finishing layout and proofing. Getting those ISBNs assigned and uploading to markets.

Why have I stalled on this project? I think because when I have time for creative things, I tend to put my energies into writing and creating and not into the publishing. Publishing feels too much like “work,” and when I have free time, I don’t want to work, I want to play. This is good for my writing but bad (obviously) for my publishing. I should make a more concerted effort to get my writing out to readers, but in order to do so, I must steal time from my writing sessions, and I’m loathe to do that.

If there’s one goal on this list I really want to achieve before the year is out, it’s this one, so I MUST block time into my schedule and get this book out to market. I haven’t felt much urgency until now, but the pressure is starting to mount. Hopefully, I have a short story collection to announce in the coming weeks.

Finish a novella in my City of Ashes series: Not yet. Still focused on NCL and don’t want to switch to any other bigger projects.

Blog everyday (this one again!! LOL!): I am not blogging everyday… but I am trying to blog more and seeing some improvement on this measure.

Send out Substack newsletter every two weeks: Ugh. This is the one that hurts. I just haven’t been able to get into a rhythm. Since I’m really trying to finish NCL, I don’t devote much time to other writing pursuits. It should be obvious, then, that the Substack will suffer. But I hate that it’s being neglected. I don’t want to neglect it, but non-fiction takes longer (at least the kind I do on Substack), partly because it takes me longer to generate ideas and evaluate whether they’d be good enough for a newsletter essay.

I can write shorter thoughts and musings, and those tend to go on the blog, but for my Substack readers, I feel like if I’m sending something to their inboxes, it needs to be more substantial. That desire for a more in-depth and lengthy piece of writing puts the pressure on, and I shut down when there’s too much pressure. My ideas dry up. My fears and critical voice rear their heads.

The answer, such as it is, is to devote more time during my writing sessions to working on the Substack: generating ideas, drafting, researching, etc. This is a process that requires a good chunk of time. If I don’t schedule that time, it ain’t happening.

But to block time for the Substack means to lessen time for my fiction. This is the Sophie’s Choice I’m loathe to make.

Anyway, the Substack goal is a conundrum. Not sure how this is going to go other than maybe reassessing my goals and making a few hard choices.

Play more role-playing games with my kids, my husband, family, and friends: Have played more with the kids, but not where I’d like to be. We’ve played two sessions of Hero Kids RPG, but I’m itching to play more. The kids like it, but it’s hard for me to muster the energy some evenings, so we end up not finding time to play.

I need to block time for playing into my schedule (this is a recurring theme, isn’t it?). I want to try playing solo as well, and I’m currently reading the Emirates of Ylaruam gazetteer from the old Basic D&D TSR stuff. I’m planning to use the rules for Cairn and run a little solo campaign to explore the setting and get my role-playing fix.

I’m not sure I’ll get to play more with family and friends. No one seems particularly interested; I’m by far the most enthusiastic of the group. So perhaps solo gaming is the way to go.

Create some RPG modules for Norse City Limits and Merlin’s Last Magic: Not yet.

Make a “Saturday Morning” zine series and publish an issue every month: Not yet.

Make other zines: Not yet.

(Zine-making still excites me, but like with my other pursuits, I feel like all my focus should be on finishing NCL and writing fiction. If I had all the time in the world, I would do more with these side projects, but when my time is limited, I feel like I have to make the choice to write fiction. Can I find more time in my day? Can I schedule more time for these pursuits? I suppose I can, but what will be sacrificed to get this time? My walking? My reading? Time spent with my kids?

Maybe I try to fold my zine-making into time spent with my kids… we can all make zines together. This is worth a try…

Of course, I’m doing this to myself by having so many flipping goals! I realize that there’s simply not enough time in the day to do all these things to their fullest. But the seed of desire is still there, so for the moment, I’m going to continue looking for ways to do all my goals.)

Read more books with my kids (Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, Half-Magic, James and the Giant Peach, the Hobbit, the Silver Chair, Horse and His Boy, Magician’s Nephew, Last Battle, more Little House books, How to Train Your Dragon series, Harry Potter): Yes, a little. We are reading The Hobbit, and we’ll be starting Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone soon.

Start naalbinding again (finish the hat I started for my son and make another one for my other son): Not yet, but I’m going to try committing to doing this in the evenings. Christmas is coming up and winter too, so now is the time to get it done.

Practice my cartooning/comics drawing (for the zines): I did practice drawing cartoon owls (to turn into an Isabel-story zine…?), but that’s all. I have some drawing books for as sources, but despite identifying them around the house, I haven’t gathered them to use. As a family, we sometimes spend Saturday morning drawing, so maybe I can make that a more regular and deliberate thing.

Write essays, poems, and fiction that will serve as models for my students next school year: I’ve started a long-form essay about decluttering to share with my students, but it’s in very rough draft form. I wrote a couple of models earlier this school year, but not nearly as many as I had planned. This goal sounds good in my head, but when it comes time to actually do it, I find that I resist. Just as my students resist assignments because they are assignments, I resist writing that feels like an obligation. I know I need to work on the mental attitude here and see these as fun and practice and a chance to try something new. But I’m still battling a lot of critical voice in my fiction and for-fun writing, so doing writing that’s more obligatory is an even harder hurdle to jump.

So much of writing is a mental challenge. Yes, craft matters, and learning how to do different techniques is important, but the real challenge (at least for me) is battling the ennui and the critical voice and the lack of confidence. I’m forever fighting the fear that I’ll make a mistake or write something bad.

My goal of writing more model texts for my students is no different. I’m afraid I’ll fail, so I resist doing it in the first place. After all, what if I’m trying to model a certain technique and I do a bad job of it? I’ll embarrass myself in front of my students. What if I set a goal to write a certain kind of essay and it turns out all wrong? The students will see I’m a fraud.

And on and on the negative thoughts spiral.

I know that I need to treat every creative act as an experiment, but this requires a mental shift that I’m still working on making. To see everything as an experiment means to have a certain kind of fearlessness and courage that isn’t always readily available. To be okay with failure.

This is perhaps the overarching goal for everything: to break through mental fear and go into every enterprise with an attitude of experimentation. All my 2024 goals are really the same goal, then. To experiment freely. To cease hesitating and go for it.

Bonus achievement: I wrote a short story about walking and bird-watching that came out of nowhere. It wasn’t planned, but I got excited about it and rode the wave until it was done. So despite not making progress on planned short stories, I spontaneously wrote one anyway. This is a good example of “failing to success.” I ended up writing something even though I failed to write something else. Having lots of irons in the fire, so to speak, meant that I was ready for when a new, unexpected iron needed shaping.

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