Category: complaining (Page 2 of 2)

Another Lost Weekend

Once again I’ve failed to use my Saturday wisely. Many worthy and important things could have gotten done; instead, it was T.V. time. An episode of Jim Henson’s Storyteller Greek Myths (much more tragic and somber than its fairy tale counterpart); an episode of The Crown (which led me down the rabbit hole of Googling all the stuff from the episode to see if it was real; sadly, some of it was); and then Ken Burns’s Jazz ended up being on PBS when I turned off Netflix, and I watched that for half an hour.

Yikes.

I am so bad at getting my work done when I have *actual time to do it.*

Instead, I waste such time, and when the eleventh hour arises, I scramble like mad to do all the work I’ve been putting off for too long. It’s bonkers and unhealthy, and I wish I was better at being disciplined.

Having just read James Clear’s Atomic Habits recently, you’d think I’d know how to develop small habits that will make my life run more smoothly. Alas, I feel like most of my days are filled with too much to do and not enough time to do it, and then when a weekend like today rolls around, I’m so burned out that all I want to do is veg.

I wish I knew how to make my normal weekdays not so stuffed with things to do. I’m sure this is a common feeling for many people. The question I have is why are we all so busy all the time? Is it modern life that’s made things busy? Is it our jobs? I don’t work a high-powered corporate job or anything; I’m a high school English teacher. Is it having to work and raise children that makes things so busy? I know others who work and have kids and they don’t *seem* particularly stressed or overburdened (maybe they just hide it really well…). Or at the very least, I don’t see any of them turning a perfectly good Saturday into a wasted “lost weekend” of vegging and avoiding work.

Why do I do this to myself? What kind of small “atomic” habits can I develop to avoid this cycle of over-work/giving-in-to-acedia? I think it’s interesting that I’m self-diagnosing my problem as acedia, because that implies this is a spiritual malady and not necessarily something I can “life hack” away. With all things spiritual, prayer is often the first priority, so maybe my problem is lack of prayer. Maybe I need to work on my habits of prayer and see what else will fall into place after that. Small habits of prayer might lead to more small habits elsewhere.

Maybe next Saturday can be a little less lost.

Confessions

Look, the second book in my Merlin’s Last Magic trilogy is not finished.

It has been more than four years since The Thirteen Treasures of Britain came out. This is not something I’m proud of. I HATE that it’s taking me so long to finish.

Part of the problem is that I’ve written a lot of words, but they haven’t all stayed in the manuscript; by this point I’ve written well over 75,000 words, but only about 40,000 of them are usable. This has slowed things down.

What’s also slowed me down is lack of inspiration. I want the novel to be great, but so many of my ideas are not great. They are cliche, predictable, boring. Whenever I work on coming up with ideas, I end up coming up with ideas for other stories, other worlds, other novels.

It’s not like I haven’t been writing. I’ve written short stories, poems, blog posts, even several chapters of a novella. And I’ve been working on Ysbaddaden too. It’s just taking awhile.

I’m also blocked by my perfectionism. I freeze up and can’t write because I’m afraid that my writing will suck.

I wish I didn’t think of this novel as being “important.” That would help a lot. But since it’s been more than four years since my first book, I feel like this sequel has taken on importance just because the wait has been so long. I don’t want to be frozen by perfectionism. I don’t want to go another year without finishing this book.

I wish I had a snazzy pep-talk thing to tell myself so that I could blaze through the next few months and finish this novel. But I don’t have any snazzy pep-talk things to say. I know I need to sit down and put words on paper. I know I need to have the courage to write as well as I can and not worry what people will think. I know I need to somehow find the energy and time to get my work done. I know I will eventually finish, even if it’s not anytime soon. But I will finish, as long as I keep writing. That much I know.

 

Dry Sponge

I feel like a dry sponge lately. All I want to do is soak up stuff. I want to read, read, read, and watch cool movies, and listen to tons of music. I don’t have any juice to squeeze out onto the page. My blogging has been perfunctory (but I gotta keep the streak going!). My fiction writing is non-existent at the mo’ (no time). The notebook’s doing alright, but the notebook’s always doing alright (my one constant).

Can a person take a reading holiday? Is that allowed? Can I just spend a week doing nothing but soaking up words, and images, and music?

Maybe that wouldn’t help, though. It’s kinda hard to imagine a whole week of just downtime. I’m so used to getting up when the kids get up, making them breakfast, changing the diapers, refereeing the disputes, buzzing from kitchen to living room to bedroom to bathroom to help with whatever “crisis” is at hand. I’m not sure I could handle an entire week of sitting around and reading. I’m too conditioned for controlled chaos after six and a half years of raising children.

Still. It would nice to have a *bit* more time for reading. For getting lost in an album or two. For having a film noir double-feature on a Saturday afternoon.

I need more input time. It’s a constant refrain, I know. I’m always complaining about not getting enough input. But right now, I’m a dry sponge, crumbling into brittle fibers. I need to get dunked in a bucket of input. A good soak. A trip into the imagination.

Tired and Grumpy and Dreaming of Block Scheduling

Today is one of those days where I’m so burnt out I have nothing rattling around in my head. We returned to in-person teaching today, so part of my exhaustion is that I’m “out of shape” for the regular school day, having been teaching from home since mid-November (and on Christmas vacation for the past two weeks). What I liked about online school were the shorter days. My classes would only run to 2:00 p.m., giving me more time to get paperwork and grading done. It was a perfect schedule, and frankly, I wish we ran it for in-person school as well.

I was on a committee last year that recommended our school move to a block schedule (with the possibility of either a later start time or earlier dismissal), but the recommendation was not approved. Teaching virtually last spring and this November/December just reminded me of what could have been, re: block scheduling.

So now we’re back to these grueling days of seven 45-minute classes, from 7:45 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. (Full disclosure: I don’t teach the first two periods, so my day technically starts at 9:20 a.m., and even with that extra time, I STILL feel like the days are too long.) I know that some teachers worry that block scheduling will mean a lot of down time in their classes. Math and foreign language teachers, for instance, have a harder time filling those 75 or 90 minutes blocks of time. I get that. But there’s no rule that says each class has to be equal in length. Math classes can be 20 minutes of instruction with another 20 minutes for practice and/or extra help from the teacher. English, History, and Science can be longer, with 20 or 30 minutes of direct teaching followed by 60 minutes to work on projects, do experiments, and read/write/research. I know that in my own work, I’d much rather devote a good chunk of my day to one project or one pursuit, instead of switching every 45 minutes to something totally new.

Anyway, there are lots of ways to structure a school day, and it annoys me that most secondary and elementary educators aren’t trying to be more innovative in this area. Colleges have figured it out pretty well, making classes as long as they need to be. And yes, I understand why colleges have more freedom to do this than say a high school or middle school, but still. We seem stuck in a system that isn’t necessarily the best for learning, but we persist in it because making the change would be too hard or too different. Doing something radical is just, frankly, too radical.

This is all a preamble as to why I don’t have anything good to write about today. I’m too tired to think. Blogging in the evening after putting the kids to bed made sense in the more chillaxing “Christmas vacation” zone, but now that I’m back in the exhausting “in-person school” zone, maybe it’s not such a great time to write. The well is not only dry, it’s cracked and flaking and ready to crumble into dust. Alas!

Despite my brain-fog, I did manage to write these words and post something. The streak continues (for now).

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