Month: January 2021 (Page 5 of 5)

Poem #7

[This poem was written using a prompt called “Talking Objects.” The idea is to find something in your purse or bag and write a poem from its perspective. My messenger bag had an old Kroger coupon, a pen, my busted wallet, car keys, house keys, and some tampons. I chose the busted wallet as my object and then considered the following questions: 1. What is the object’s favorite thing?  2. What is it scared of?  3. What is its secret?  4. What is its wish for the future? I spent some time thinking about how the wallet would answer these and then wrote the poem. The poem is told from the 1st person POV of the wallet.]

 

Busted Wallet

I was given as a gift, from husband to wife.

He said I was perfect because she loves books,

and I was made to look like one,

leather-bound, with a book-cover facade,

even though my pages would be filled

with coins and credit cards and receipts.

 

I was fat and happy in the old days,

before the broken zipper and the tattered edges.

When coins kept spilling out,

I was shoved deeper into the handbag trenches.

Now I’m forgotten, stuffed with refuse.

Bulging with unused gift-cards,

I am a mausoleum for bendable plastic.

No one can tell I’m a book anymore —

just faded green leather that’s somehow gotten sticky.

A natural process of decay.

 

The coins rattle around and hope to stay buried.

All the real money and credit cards

have been moved to a new home:

something sleeker, less solemn.

But she doesn’t get rid of me.

The wife still carries my hefty carcass in her bag;

I guess I’m a reminder of the gift.

Or maybe it’s inertia.

 

Either way, I’m happy to bear the load:

the old receipts and coupons past the date;

the Starbucks cards she knows she’ll never use.

They were gifts too. I’m happy to pocket them.

I’ll hold on to whatever has been forgotten.

Sr. Corita’s Rules

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I shared the Immaculate Heart College Art Department Rules with my English students today. It was part of our ongoing discussion about education, grades, and what it means to learn. Each of my four classes focused on different aspects of the rules (this wasn’t intentional on my part, but happened as a result of their own interests and ideas). Some groups really responded to Rules 6 & 7, and we got into a big discussion about how “win” and “fail” are concepts that only work if we focus on either the past or future. We can either spend our time dwelling on past successes and failures, or looking ahead to future successes and dreading future failures.

But if, instead, “there’s only make,” then we’re living in the present moment. There’s no past or future when you’re in the process of making, there’s only the now. This is something that’s proven really helpful for my own writing. I’ve been making a conscious effort to do my work without thinking about what will happen after it’s done. The act of writing is more important than the finished product. Instead of thinking ahead to the future, or being stuck dwelling on the past, I’m allowing myself to do the work that’s right in front of me.

The one rule we never really got to discuss was the last one (“Break all the rules… Leave plenty of room for X Quantities”) that comes from John Cage. This rule is the one I’m struggling the most with right now in my teaching. Because of Covid restrictions in the classroom (which are all very necessary and I fully support), and because I’ve chosen to make all my assignments available online at the beginning of each week (so students quarantining at home can still keep up with their work), I’m not leaving much room for the “X Quantities.” The spontaneous and unexpected are in short supply this year, and it’s hampering my work as a teacher.

But what about “X Quantities” in my work as a writer? Am I leaving plenty of room for them there? That’s a tougher question, and one I’m not sure of the answer. I do tend to have several projects going on at the same time (i.e.: a novella, a short story, and my second novel are all works in progress at the moment), but I don’t think that’s what Cage means by “X Quantities.” I see it as being more about leaving room for the unexpected, for tangents and digressions. Am I doing that in my writing? Am I willing to try something new if that’s where my work needs to go?

Writing poetry has been an “X Quantity” for me. It’s not something I normally write, and definitely not something I normally publish. I think that by allowed myself to “break out” of my normal writing patterns, I’ve had more fun and learned new things. But I wonder how I might “break all the rules” and leave room for those “X Quantities” in my fiction writing. I’m not sure I have an answer for that yet.

Tired and Grumpy and Dreaming of Block Scheduling

Today is one of those days where I’m so burnt out I have nothing rattling around in my head. We returned to in-person teaching today, so part of my exhaustion is that I’m “out of shape” for the regular school day, having been teaching from home since mid-November (and on Christmas vacation for the past two weeks). What I liked about online school were the shorter days. My classes would only run to 2:00 p.m., giving me more time to get paperwork and grading done. It was a perfect schedule, and frankly, I wish we ran it for in-person school as well.

I was on a committee last year that recommended our school move to a block schedule (with the possibility of either a later start time or earlier dismissal), but the recommendation was not approved. Teaching virtually last spring and this November/December just reminded me of what could have been, re: block scheduling.

So now we’re back to these grueling days of seven 45-minute classes, from 7:45 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. (Full disclosure: I don’t teach the first two periods, so my day technically starts at 9:20 a.m., and even with that extra time, I STILL feel like the days are too long.) I know that some teachers worry that block scheduling will mean a lot of down time in their classes. Math and foreign language teachers, for instance, have a harder time filling those 75 or 90 minutes blocks of time. I get that. But there’s no rule that says each class has to be equal in length. Math classes can be 20 minutes of instruction with another 20 minutes for practice and/or extra help from the teacher. English, History, and Science can be longer, with 20 or 30 minutes of direct teaching followed by 60 minutes to work on projects, do experiments, and read/write/research. I know that in my own work, I’d much rather devote a good chunk of my day to one project or one pursuit, instead of switching every 45 minutes to something totally new.

Anyway, there are lots of ways to structure a school day, and it annoys me that most secondary and elementary educators aren’t trying to be more innovative in this area. Colleges have figured it out pretty well, making classes as long as they need to be. And yes, I understand why colleges have more freedom to do this than say a high school or middle school, but still. We seem stuck in a system that isn’t necessarily the best for learning, but we persist in it because making the change would be too hard or too different. Doing something radical is just, frankly, too radical.

This is all a preamble as to why I don’t have anything good to write about today. I’m too tired to think. Blogging in the evening after putting the kids to bed made sense in the more chillaxing “Christmas vacation” zone, but now that I’m back in the exhausting “in-person school” zone, maybe it’s not such a great time to write. The well is not only dry, it’s cracked and flaking and ready to crumble into dust. Alas!

Despite my brain-fog, I did manage to write these words and post something. The streak continues (for now).

Starting a new notebook

My daughter watched as I began a new writer’s notebook today. She wondered if it was a new notebook because it was a new year. I told her it wasn’t; I just happened to finish my old notebook the other day, so now it was time to start a new one. I showed her my “guardian spirit” from the old notebook (I chose J.R.R. Tolkien last time, because I started the old notebook in September and therefore felt very much like an academic who’d rather be niggling around in my imaginary worlds than grading papers), so my daughter decided to make me a guardian spirit for my new notebook.

The first creation was made from recycled paper and was three-dimensional (which wouldn’t quite work on the inside cover of a spiral notebook), so she tried again and made a colorful picture from an old piece of paper towel. I decided it was perfect for reminding me to be playful and use whatever material might be lying around.

After adding the guardian spirit, I copied over my list of “Books to Read” from the previous notebook into the new one. This is a ritual I always do when starting a new writer’s notebook. My list of books to read is LONG, so it takes at least four pages to fit all the books, plus I leave extra room for new books that I’ll add as the weeks go by. I used to use Goodreads to keep track of my books, but when I said goodbye to social media, I also said goodbye to Goodreads.

Honestly, Goodreads made me anxious. I didn’t like people knowing about my reading habits; it made everything seem very performative, as if I had to play a part (“self-published fantasy author”) instead of just being myself. Not that I read weird books or anything; I have nothing to hide, LOL! But it was just stressful having my books-to-read and my currently-reading books all out in the open. I felt pressure to add books to my lists so I could been seen to have all the same books as everybody else.

(A lot of this was tied to my work as a self-published author. Goodreads was a marketing tool as much as it was a personal one, so all my interactions on the site felt driven by that marketing aspect. I felt compelled to keep up with the latest self-published books as a way to show my support for the community. I’m not opposed to supporting other authors — not by any means! — but my books-to-read list became more about that than about what I really wanted to read.)

Even more stressful was getting updates on other people’s reading progress. I have a bad problem with envy and jealousy, so I would get super envious when I saw other people reading more books than me, or when I saw other self-published authors getting all kinds of good reviews. It was not a healthy way to spend my time, and it wasn’t making me feel good about my reading (or my writing).

When I decided to keep track of my books using my notebook — and keep it private — everything changed. I started reading whatever the heck I wanted, and I let myself go down strange reading paths that had nothing to do with my public persona as a fantasy author. I’ve been much more prolific as a reader since I’ve stopped doing the Goodreads challenge thingy: I don’t set any goals for myself, I just try to read as much as I can. No longer is that little bar graph thing on Goodreads taunting me and reminding me that I’m behind on my goal. Now I can just read and see what happens, and be excited by all the reading I’ve done. After I finish a book, I mark it as “Read” and write the date I finished. It’s my big, beautiful, analog reading list, and I love it.

For the record, I’m not opposed to others using Goodreads or the reading challenge. My husband still uses Goodreads like a boss, and it’s a useful tool for him. I just know that it didn’t work for me.

So now every time I start a new writer’s notebook, I get to use the first few pages for my book list, and it’s a nice little ritual: I write “Welcome to the notebook” and the current month and year on the first page, then I start my “Books to Read” list on the second page. Four or five pages later, I have all these book titles calling out to me, and whenever I’m ready to start a new book, I go to my list and see what stands out. The notebook is no longer blank; it starts off newly-christened with a gloriously long list, and I feel as if I’ve accomplished something (even though all I’ve really accomplished is copying a list).

A new year, a new notebook. I’m ready for 2021.

Further Thoughts on Middle-Earth

I have been thinking about why I love Middle-Earth so much. I know that lots of Tolkien fans have argued that Middle-Earth feels more real than any other secondary world, that it has such depth and detail and history, and that Tolkien wrote about it with so much love for the landscape and languages that it all feels as if Middle-Earth really IS our world, but eons ago, beyond the mists of our own knowledge. I would agree that Tolkien created a hyper-detailed sub-world, and that the history and legends and descriptions are so vivid that Middle-Earth feels REAL.

But is that all? Is this the only thing that makes me love Middle-Earth?

I’m not sure “world-building” is the only thing that elevates Middle-Earth above all other fantasy realms for me. If it were just “world-building,” then Westeros and Essos (from George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series) would be just as enticing. I’m sure for some people, Martin’s world IS more enticing. But not for me. The intricacies of Middle-Earth’s history, or its landscape, or the depth of its lore aren’t what make me love it. Otherwise, Brandon Sanderson’s Cosmere would be at the top of my list. Sanderson’s created world is arguably more intricate, more detailed than is Middle-Earth. But the Cosmere does not cast the same spell over me.

Tolkien, of course, often writes in a “high style” that feels archaic and shrouded in the long-forgotten mists of time. Is it this tone, perhaps, that makes Middle-Earth weave its spell upon me? I do indeed think that Tolkien’s tone and style are part of the equation.

But I also think it’s more than tone. It’s the particulars of his myth-making: the Trees of Valinor, the Silmarils, the Ents and Balrogs, the Dwarves and dragons and barrow-wights, the Elves, the hidden kingdoms like Gondolin; it’s Gollum and the Nazgul. All of these things — the essence of these imagined things — are what draw me into the world. The simple things too, like the light of the stars or the flowers of Lorien. All of them stir my heart deeply. I do think they beckon to some yearning in my imagination, a desire for the real world to become somehow deeper and more wondrous, to resemble the wonders of Middle-Earth…

Tolkien gets at this idea in his essay “On Fairy-Stories” when he explains that fairy-stories (and all fantasy) help us with “recovery”:

Recovery (which includes return and renewal of health) is a re-gaining — regaining of a clear view.

This regaining allows us to see the natural, physical world with fresh eyes. Things like rocks and leaves and flowers are renewed in our imagination because fantasy stories have helped us recover this “clear view” of them:

Fantasy is made out of the Primary World, but a good craftsman loves his material, and has a knowledge and feeling for clay, stone and wood which only the art of making can give. By the forging of Gram cold iron was revealed; by the making of Pegasus horses were ennobled; in the Trees of the Sun and Moon root and rock, flower and fruit are manifested in glory.

This is why Middle-Earth works so strongly on my own imagination. It recovers for me that clear view of the world, of nature, and even of abstract things like goodness, evil, courage, honor, envy, friendship, longing, love. As Tolkien puts it, the particulars of Middle-Earth — the Silmarils, the Ents, the Elves, the Misty Mountains, the Shire — all of it helps renew in me a love for stars, and trees, and songs, and mountains, and green hills and summertime. I return to Middle-Earth again and again, loving it more and more each time, because it helps me regain something I’m always on the verge of losing: my wonder and joy for our world, for the world of God’s creation. Tolkien helps me recover this wonder and joy; his Middle-Earth is “made out of the Primary World,” and in being so made, manifests the real world’s glory.

That is why I love Middle-Earth so much.

Poem #6

When my children are grown,

I will tell them

What it was like to hold them

When they were young.

 

The smell of their hair,

The fast beating of their little hearts,

The skinny arms, all soft flesh

And fragile bones.

 

I will tell them this

So they will know I remember,

That I think of it often,

Even though they are grown.

 

And now they are grown,

I can only hope for a brief

Scent of their hair

When we exchange a quick hug.

 

They are bigger than me now,

All muscle and firm bones.

Their hearts still beat, but I cannot

Feel them against my own chest.

 

But I will remember.

And I will tell them.

 

I want them to know

That I think of it often:

What it was like to hold them

When they were young.

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