For readers of my newsletter, I mentioned that I had written several thousand words of the Merlin half of this book and then decided to scrap it all and start over again. This is the first rewrite of that Merlin section. In some ways, I feel that it’s stronger than what I had before, but there are some moments from the earlier draft — and some ideas — that I kinda miss. The overall idea for the Merlin section is better now (I totally reconfigured how the chess game worked and what Merlin needed to do in order to play it), but there’s a part of me that misses some of the old stuff. I had some fun banter between characters, some imagery that I really loved, and some tense-y tension that was meant to set up future conflicts. It’s all gone now, lost inside a Scrivener file that will most likely never see the light of day…
Rewriting — or re-drafting from scratch — can be such a strange experience. The new stuff is often better, but there’s also a kind of grief that comes from losing the old stuff. Not all the old stuff: some of it is total crap. But the old stuff that *was* good, that had freshness and beauty. That’s the stuff that’s hard to let go. I am almost tempted to put the earlier draft side-by-side with this new draft, but then I worry that judgments and comparisons between the two will only stifle what I’m doing. I can’t look back. Not at this stage. At the drafting stage, looking back and comparing versions can often be debilitating for me. I start to question myself too much. At some point, I just have to trust my taste as a reader to discern which version is better and then go for it. At this point, the version below is the one I think is better. It’s the one I’m going with. For now.
Chapter 2: “Memories”
Merlin woke up and flexed his hand.
His staff was gone, his magic too. He was empty. Fumbling for his headphone, he put them on and pressed play. The music drowned his thoughts. He was sitting at the foot of a steep hill, and all around him swirled a sea of fog. He knew he was inside the chess game, but what he was supposed to do, how the game was supposed to work, he couldn’t fathom.
“Which is ridiculous,” he said to himself. He stood up and absentmindedly felt for the sack of unending on his belt. It was still there, but Merlin knew it wasn’t filled with much. Some books, some talismans that would be useless now that his magic was gone. No more thorns. Nothing.
Empty.
He felt the puncture marks under his arm, the tracks of his last-ditch effort to channel the magic of the elements. Scars that taunted him. He flexed his hand again and remembered the warmth of his oaken staff. He had his hands, his arms, all his limbs and senses. But he felt like a man who had lost a leg or an eye. He had his desire to do magic — he willed it with every fiber of his being — but his body would not comply. The elements had abandoned him. He was helpless. Powerless.
Merlin turned the volume up on his cassette player. There was no use standing around. He began the trudge up the hill.
There was no sign of his opponent, no sign of his army. He was inside a chess game, but Merlin had no king, no rooks, no pawns, nothing. He tried to remember the centuries ago when he had first crafted the game, a feat of magic that used all his skills of glamour, all his powers for crafting talismans. He couldn’t have done it without the power of his staff. He remembered doing it, but he couldn’t remember how it worked.
The crest of the hill approached. Merlin could see the sky widening above him, the fog drifting up into the clouds above. Atop the hill, spreading its branches out wide like the arms of a dozen waking giants, sat a great oak tree, brown and bright green and thick as a castle tower. The first thing Merlin noticed was the huge sword stuck in the trunk of the tree. The second thing he noticed was Taliesin sitting on a stone chair underneath it.
The bard smiled as Merlin approached. There was a stone table in front of him and another stone chair sitting empty across from him. On the table sat the chess board, gleaming gold and covered in one set of raven-black pieces. Taliesin’s pieces.
The black ivory jogged a memory. The raven pieces of Gwenddolau, the ancient lord who Merlin had made the chess game for all those centuries ago. The lord who had lost the game to Rhydderch the generous, and lost the Sword as well.
Merlin flicked off his cassette player and walked over to the bard. “You picked the wrong pieces,” he said.
Taliesin looked older than Merlin, but Merlin still thought of the man as the youth who had come to him looking for power and knowledge.
“I thought you’d never come,” Taliesin said.
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Take a seat so we can begin.” Taliesin nodded at the stone chair opposite. “I’ve given you white.”
“The young man’s pieces,” Merlin remembered. “Rhydderch’s.” He walked over to the chair and saw the leather pouch resting on it. He picked it up and opened it. Inside were pieces of white ivory. Merlin sat down and started to set his pieces on the golden board.
“I thought this was a living chess game,” said Taliesin.
“So did I.”
Taliesin raised an eyebrow. “But didn’t you make the game?”
“Yes, for Gwenddolau, a minor lord of old Britain. But I never played it. And he never spoke of it.”
“Embarrassed by his loss, perhaps?”
“Perhaps. He played the black, you know. Rhydderch defeated him with these very pieces.” Merlin placed his last piece on the board. The queen.
“I’ve been generous then. I hope you have worse luck.”
“Does luck have anything to do with it?”
Taliesin looked up at the Sword that hung over them. “A Sword to strike a god.”
“I guess you’ve already tried pulling it out,” Merlin replied.
Taliesin nodded. “Unsuccessfully.”
“Of course. And no spell would work?”
“None. A clever bit of magic, Merlin. Hiding it in the game, keeping it as a prize for the winner.”
“I was always good at magic.”
“And yet magic won’t help you here.” Taliesin gestured at the game board, the pieces arrayed on each side. “We must play, nothing more, nothing less.”
Merlin didn’t answer. Somehow he knew there was more to their game. A sudden reluctance — a fear — crept into his heart.
“White begins,” Taliesin said as he sat back in his chair. His body relaxed, his legs extended. He let his arms rest comfortably, one hand on his thigh, the other dangling by his side. His lips held a slight smile while his eyes stared unblinking at Merlin.
Merlin looked down at the board and waited. He vaguely knew which move to start with, but something held him back.
“Or you could quit this folly and rejoin the gods you once served,” Taliesin said. “It’s up to you.” The smile curled into a smirk.
Merlin met the bard’s gaze. “The gods who killed you?”
A darkness passed over Taliesin’s face. His smile vanished. “Make your move, Merlin.”
“No use over-thinking it, is there?” Merlin didn’t flinched. His fingers reached for a pawn, ready to move it forward two spaces. But as soon as his skin touched the ivory, everything around him flashed out of sight. The tree, the stone table, the golden board, the dark face of Taliesin — everything was gone.
Merlin was running. He was reaching up to grab the rough bark of a tree limb. He was laughing, smiling at the dog that ran at his heels. A mutt. Happy slobber hung from its lips and tongue. Eyes danced as they looked up at Merlin. Merlin was climbing the tree, the dog jumping to catch him, the green leaves brushing his skin, hiding the sun’s harsh glare. The oak tree. His first. The secret world of leaf and limb, the web of strong bark and ever-extending branches.
Merlin relived the memory even as he seemed to be watching it from afar: the first time he had climbed a tree. He looked down with his seven-year-old eyes, smiled at the joyful dog at the base of the tree, laughed with the drunkenness of freedom.
Merlin’s fingers jerked away from the ivory pawn. The memory vanished. The game piece rattled uneasily but didn’t topple. When it had stopped teetering, there was silence. It was still in its starting position.
Out of breath, Merlin looked up to see Taliesin staring at him. “I saw—“ Merlin began, but he couldn’t finish.
Taliesin leaned closer, curiosity replacing his former enmity. “Your eyes went white. Cloudy like a blind man’s.”
“I was gone. Back into the past.”
“A memory?”
“It was as real as you are. A moment from my childhood.”
Taliesin sat back again, the smile returning. “Curious. But it’s still your move.”
Merlin realized he had not actually moved the pawn. But when he went to pick it up again, he flinched. It had been a pleasant memory — one of the best memories of his life, long-buried but strong — but there was an intensity to such a memory, he wasn’t sure he wanted to relive it again.
“Move, Merlin.”
He had no choice. He looked up and saw the Sword of Rhydderch hanging over him, taunting him. He picked up the pawn again and pushed it forward two squares.
Nothing happened. No memory, no oak tree, no dancing dog.
“You haven’t played in awhile, have you?” Taliesin asked.
“Does it show?”
“I was hoping for more of a challenge. I’ve been waiting a long time for this moment.”
“Student against master?”
“Something like that, yes.”
Merlin flexed his hand. Still empty. Still useless without the oaken staff to hold. “What are you waiting for? Finish me and end my desperate quest.”
But now Taliesin hesitated. His hand hung above the pieces on the board, unsure of what would happen should skin touch ivory.
Merlin hated the hesitation and the silence. He suddenly couldn’t help but hate the man sitting across from him. There was too much to forgive. “Should we get it out of the way now? While you’re pondering your opening move?”
Taliesin stopped and scowled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The conversation where you explain what in all the various hells is happening. Where you tell me why you’re alive and why you’re serving the old gods. The story of how we ended up here, with me on one side and you on the other. The Cath Palug, the half-dwarf, the Thirteen Treasures. All of it.”
“Oh, Merlin.” Taliesin laid his hands in his lap. “I wasn’t sure I recognized you. No beard. No hair even. So much younger than I remembered. And yet your arrogance is unmistakable.”
“I’m arrogant because I want to know the truth?”
“Because you think you deserve it. As if knowing the why means you can control this situation.”
“I don’t want control, Taliesin. I want to understand. We shouldn’t even be on opposite sides.”
“You’re right. You should be working with me to resurrect Manawydan. You should be making the sacrifices by my side to bring back Rhiannon. You should be opening the gateway yourself to welcome Gwyn ap Nudd to the land of the living. And yet you sit there and strive to win the Sword that can wound our masters. You are the traitor, Merlin. Not me. And that is all there is to tell.” A spell of flame — forged by rage — sprang to Merlin’s lips. But there was no power inside him to call forth the flame, no friendship to help the flame hear him. The spell died even before it had been born.
“Make your move,” Merlin said.
Taliesin picked up his knight and his eyes turned black. His body froze. Merlin watched as he entered some kind of trance.
And then in a moment the trance was over. Taliesin’s hand had moved the knight. His arm was shaking as he pulled it back across the board.
“A memory?” said Merlin.
Taliesin nodded.
“A good one?”
No answer. But the bard’s body was no longer relaxed. He didn’t lean back in his chair; instead, he leaned forward, elbows on the stone table, eyes fixed upon the board.
“Well, at least we’re starting to figure out the magic of the game,” said Merlin brightly. Taliesin’s unease gave him confidence.
“Your move, Merlin.”
“Not even a hint of what you saw?” Merlin looked over the board and wondered whether to move another pawn or one of his own knights.
“Just play the game.”
“I thought I was. Did you see a memory from your childhood? I wonder if that’s how it works. The game tries to distract us with memories from our past.”
“Are you trying to distract me now?” Taliesin growled. “It won’t work.”
Merlin’s hand hovered over his knight. “Not at all. Just filling the silence with some chatter. Maybe you can play a tune when it’s my turn. Something pleasant. Or else, maybe I’ll put my headphones back on.” He held up the portable cassette player.
Taliesin raised an eyebrow.
“Haven’t gotten out much since you’ve been back? I can understand. It must be busy work trying to plan out the destruction of your homeland.”
“You have very little understanding, Merlin. Neither I nor the ones I serve seek to destroy Britain. We simply want to restore it.”
“To a hellish nightmare of chaos and unrestrained, unrelenting power? Somehow I doubt the people of Britain would welcome that restoration.”
“I don’t care about the people of Britain.”
“Spoken like a true servant of the old ones.”
“Just make your move.”
Merlin resisted the aggressive move with his knight. Instead he moved another pawn.
Pain seared his mind. Red flaming eyes flashed in a torch-lit darkness. Screams. A woman crying out. Then a baby’s tortured squeals, and the heavy breathless panting of a woman after labor. The flaming eyes flashed once more, then darkness, and orange shadows on the wall. A hovel, an earthen house, a bed of musty straw. A gentle hand across the baby’s cheek, a warm kiss, and then the softness of a breast.
Merlin blinked and then returned to the stone table and the game. He found himself holding his breath.
“And will you tell me what memory came this time?” said Taliesin. He had a cruel look of satisfaction on his face.
Merlin managed to breath again, heaving in two gulps of air. “No,” he said through dry lips.
How could he speak of such things to Taliesin? How could he ever explain? How was it even possible that he should see and relive such a memory?
Merlin couldn’t explain. All he knew was that he did not want to touch that pawn again. The power of that memory was too much. Too deep.
Merlin looked down at the board. The pieces were all in their squares, each space on the board was ordered and measured. But what the game contained could not be measured. It was not orderly or even logical. It contained the faded, messy, inscrutableness of memory — memory brought to vivid life. The game was life. Merlin’s life — and Taliesin’s — brought back from the depths of forgetfulness and time. To relive these moments, even for a second, was almost too excruciating to contemplate.
Merlin looked at the game, heart pounding, and realized what it would cost him to play.
He was not sure he wanted to pay such a price.
Any book that can make me feel sympathy for a cannibalistic child-killer is obviously doing something profound. Richard Nell’s first book in his Ash and Sand series is nothing if not ambitious. Which I love. I love when writers try to actually say something with their work, when they try to find deeper truths. Exploring the inner workings of a broken sociopath while also delving into big questions like, “Why is the world unjust?” and “How are we called to respond to that injustice?” is a feat unto itself. Most writers satisfy their ambitions by trying to write a good plot with good characters; few writers seem up to the challenge of writing a great story, great characters, and powerful themes. Nell attempts that here, and I find that immensely exciting.
